i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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