I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
