you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
So vagazzling was a success
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
