If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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