Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I understand Curling. That high.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
