i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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