You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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