When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
