i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
