just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
