Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You were trust falling into bushes
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
