What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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