if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
