Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
