Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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