things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
