We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
