yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
