Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
