watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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