Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
