I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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