I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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