In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It's official drugs can't kill me
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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