1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
