she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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