So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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