im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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