yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Randomize
