During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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