I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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