you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
