she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
