we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
