I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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