I need help removing her.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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