i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
