he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
