We're facebook friends in real life
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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