he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
