remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
sarcasm needs its own font
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
