Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
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