how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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