My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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