i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
