You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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