The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
