I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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