considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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