Just cropdusted the office
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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