I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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