Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
