we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize