Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Life without a bra equals bliss.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
