i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
