someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Actions speak louder than pants.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
