i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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