i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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